Every guy you know thinks she’s cool/smart/funny. Men get giddy round her. Conversations stall when she walks into a room.
Girl, it’s not about what she has – so much as what she doesn’t have. It’s pretty likely that men are attracted to her not only because of the things that she does, but because of the things that she doesn’t do.
And I can guarantee you that our Girl Wonder does not exhibit any of these three traits:
Ahh. The mother of all un-sexiness.
Sometimes (and this has probably happened to the best of us) we might feel a bit incomplete without a man or believe a relationship will solve our problems. The man in your life will smell this desperation a mile away. And desperation? It’s not a good look on anyone.
When you’re carrying around the (totally false) idea that you need a man to be complete, you’re giving away your power.
Pause right there.
Think about it – when you place your contentment + happiness in the hands of another individual, you’re at their mercy. Are you willing to gamble your well-being on his actions or in-actions?
Besides, consider all the unnecessary pressure it puts on him! The pressure to live-up to your expectations of the perfect mate will be exhausting + a sure-fire way to incite disinterest.
Want to reclaim your power? Brilliant. Start by putting the kabosh on these actions:
1. Needing his approval of how you look
2. Incessant emailing, texting and phone calling. (not to mention obsessive checking of your own email or vmail–mmmhmm….we’ve all done it…)
3. Insisting you know where he is, was + will be 24-7
4. Too many whiny “I miss you’s” in that little girl voice
The number 2 way to send your man running for the hills.
It sounds like this:
“Do you still love me as much as before?”
“Do you think I look fat in this?”
“Am I pretty enough for you?”
Insecurity is rooted in another false idea – the idea that you are somehow not adequate. You’re only human and self-doubt is a very real emotion that we all feel from time to time. Totally normal.
However, staying stuck and investing in the idea that you are “less than” is a slippery slope. The key to being desirable is to allow yourself to have the feelings of insecurity but not indulge in them! (Easier said than done. I know. But practice makes perfect- so give ‘er a shot.)
Simply notice when those feeling come up and reflect….”Hmph. There is that thought again. Interesting”…and then redirect your attention to what you’re doing in at the moment. Imagine sitting by a babbling brook and noticing how the leaves glide across the surface of the water past you. Think of your insecure thoughts as those leaves.
You always have a choice.
You can either invest in your insecurity or your sexy.
Overly critical of others. Especially of other women:
Let’s get straight to the point, shall we? It is flat-out ugly when you
are outwardly critical, especially of other women. Imagine this: A beautiful woman walks into the room + your perfectly pleasant conversation with your sweetie quickly spirals into a sarcastic, snarkfest of gnarly criticism.
Why is it that women find it so difficult to compliment another gorgeous, accomplished woman? (Especially, in the presence of their honey?)
Answer: Yup, you guessed it–False ideas.
Somewhere we believe that by tearing other women down our man will not notice their attractiveness.
Reality Check: he probably noticed her 10 seconds before you did so it’s a waste of time. Not to mention that being critical paints you as jealous, insecure + really, kinda mean. And who wants to be That Girl?
Take notice of your energy level after such a barrage….does it feel heavy or light + airy? Energetically you will recognize that the ill-will is draining. On you + your man.
Personally whenever I see a hot, sassy mama I say to myself “You go, girl.” I’ve even been known to call my boyfriends attention to her killer shoes, stylish dress or confident ways. This way we both get to enjoy her shine + it fosters open dialogue between us. (Never a bad thing)
I will often stop a woman and tell her she looks great in her dress, or that her hair looks awesome and ask where she gets it cut. The appreciation + gratitude bestowed on me are rewarding and she walks away feeling just a little more shiny than before. Win-Win.
Let’s talk about how to amp up your sexy instead!
1. Take stock of how often you check your text/email out of a sense of desperation. This is your one and only life – slide back into the driver’s seat and reevaluate a better use of your energy. What is an action you can take right now that will focus your attention on your overall well-being + happiness? Yoga at lunch? Manicure with a girlfriend after work? Perhaps making that long put off phone call to your local graduate school or headhunter.
2. Feeling insecure cause you don’t fit in your skinny jeans from 11 years ago? Get-rid-of-them!
Honestly, how realistic is it that you’ll be that size again….have you considered that it’s cruel to keep them in your closet? That you are dismissing your present-day deliciousness? I am not suggesting that you pack on the lbs on and ignore your health. I’m encouraging you to honor + dare I say…celebrate your womanly figure.
Toss the jeans.
3. When you see a stunning women, immediately catch INSECURITY + CRITICISM, and silently take notice of what you admire about her. Say “good for her.” And if you’re feeling real bold + saucy get her attention and give her the gift of a compliment.
The universe loves that stuff! I bet a compliment is already on its way to you.
I’m a Los Angeles based relationship counselor + life coach. I offer a sharp combination of keen insight, know-how + intuition. Want more life + dating advice? Jump on my newsletter. Interested in laser focused one-on-one treatment? Hire me. You won’t regret it.
Do you have a pesky question burning a hole in your pocket? Email me at
firstname.lastname@example.org to submit a letter for my Smart Advice column.
Identities strictly confidential-of course.
© 2011 Danielle Dowling