I guess I should go out with him again.
Sound familiar?
Every girl does it. You spend an hour (or three) sifting through your armoire for the perfect ensemble.
You primp your hot little self to perfection, eyes a-sparklin’ with the limitless potential of the evening ahead.
Two hours into your shoulda-been-hot date, you’re wondering where the resident butterflies in your belly have gone.
No butterflies. No warm n’ fuzzy feelings. Not a wedding daydream in sight.
And yet…
You do your very best to ignore the lack of white-hot spark.
You rationalize yourself into a corner, convincing yourself of the practical reasons you might benefit from a round two (or three) date.
Honey, you’ve got to check yourself.
Don’t think. F-E-E-l.
Don’t justify it.
Don’t recruit logic to the par-tay.
Just feel.
It happened to me, too. He was a nice guy, and he took me out on five nice dates. I struggled with the maybe-shoulds, and tried to convince myself of his potential as my Mister.
Truth? I knew by date two.
I just wasn’t feelin’ it.
And what did I do? I went out with him again, of course. Each date I would stand before my armoire, thinking maybe tonight. Maybe tonight the butterflies will arrive.
Why did I ignore that inner knowing?
Well…
He was a really nice guy.
He had a good, stable job.
He invested in his 401K.
He clearly liked me.
Mr. Perfect On Paper, right? Isn’t this the Holy Grail for every thirty, flirty & thriving lady out there?
I just couldn’t shake it. It didn’t feel right.
Realization: I was over-rationalizing.
Applying too much logic. Shrinking myself to fit in a relationship I wasn’t made for.
Rationalizing your feelings is exhausting.
Give yourself some rest, and let your intuition handle this one.
When a relationship seems off, stop and evaluate how you feel.
It’s a powerful place to be.
It’s richly transparent.
Truth is, when a relationship feels right, you’ll happily bend over backwards. You’ll go out of your way to be available and present.
Chemistry is a magical, mysterious force. You either like him, OR you don’t. Respect your divine knowings.
Being single means you sometimes got to sit with loneliness and frustration.
Been there, sister.
Consider dealing with these feelings upfront. The sometimes pain of singledom is much easier to handle than the lifetime pain that comes from choosing a partner you only sort of like.
Shelve the smarts + intelligentsia. Put the breaks on rationalization.
Your heart already knows what do to.
Just ask.
++++++++++++
I’m a Los Angeles based relationship counselor + life coach. I offer a sharp combination of keen insight, know-how + intuition. Want more life + dating advice? Jump on my newsletter. Interested in laser focused one-on-one treatment? Hire me. You won’t regret it.
Hey! Do you have a pesky question burning a hole in your pocket? Email me at d@danielle-dowling.com to submit a letter for my Smart Advice column. Identities strictly confidential-of course.
© 2011 Danielle Dowling
Photo Credit: Joyce McCown/Unsplash
Dr. Dowling has spent years helping people live richer, more joyful lives. She has seen firsthand the magical pairing of psychology and life coaching, which allows people to access their happiest selves.
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