Editor’s Note (2025): This post was first written in 2011, when I was just beginning to explore themes of love, intuition, and self-trust. While my voice has evolved, the core truth remains: your gut knows before your head does. That lesson is as timeless today as it was then.
***
How Overthinking Gets in the Way of Love
Sound familiar?
Every woman has done it. You spend way too long picking the perfect outfit. You show up with eyes sparkling, heart open, and hope dialed all the way up.
But then, two hours in, the butterflies are nowhere to be found.
No butterflies.
The warm, fuzzy feelings? Nowhere to be found.
And those wedding daydreams? Completely missing.
You do your best to ignore the lack of spark. Instead, you rationalize, convincing yourself with lists in your head about why maybe you should go out with him again.
Friend, you’ve got to check yourself.
Don’t overthink it.
Don’t justify it.
Don’t recruit logic to the party.
Just feel.
I know because I did it too. He was a perfectly nice guy. We went out on five perfectly nice dates. All the while, I tried to convince myself of his potential as my Mister.
Truth? I knew by date two.
I just wasn’t feelin’ it.
Still, I stood in front of my closet before each date thinking, Maybe tonight. Maybe tonight the butterflies will show up.
So why did I ignore my own knowing?
The Trap of Mr. Perfect on Paper
Well—
He was a really nice guy.
Plus, he had a stable job and even invested in his 401(k).
On top of that, he clearly liked me.
Mr. Perfect On Paper, right? Isn’t this the Holy Grail for every thirty, flirty, thriving woman?
But here’s the thing: I couldn’t shake it. It didn’t feel right.
The realization hit me: I was over-rationalizing. Shrinking myself to fit a relationship I wasn’t made for.
And the truth is, rationalizing your feelings is exhausting. Instead, give yourself some rest, and let your intuition lead. Because when a relationship feels off, stop and ask yourself how you actually feel. It’s powerful. It’s transparent. And it’s honest.
After all, when a relationship is right, you’ll want to bend toward it. You’ll go out of your way to show up and be present. No convincing required.
Chemistry is mysterious and magical. Ultimately, you either feel it, or you don’t.
Being Single Takes Courage Too
Of course, being single sometimes means sitting with loneliness and frustration. I’ve been there too. But here’s the truth: the temporary ache of singledom is far lighter than the lifetime weight of choosing a partner you only sort of like.
So, shelve the justifications. Put the brakes on rationalizing.
Your heart already knows what to do.
Just ask.
Dr. Dowling has spent years helping people live richer, more joyful lives. She has seen firsthand the magical pairing of psychology and life coaching, which allows people to access their happiest selves.
View Dr. Dowling's articles on Mindbodygreen
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