Dear D, I made out with my friend. Now what?

Dear D,

So a few weeks ago I met up with my old friend Paul for dinner. We had dinner and I had a few more drinks than I usually do. Long story short, we ended up making out in my car for an hour at the end of the night. There was so much chemistry and it was totally fun! I also felt it was innocent enough that I wouldn’t have any regrets.  Anyway, we spent some time playing telephone tag and then finally spoke yesterday.

Over the course of the conversation, he brought up dates that he’s been on recently and even sleeping with one of these women. But three or four times he’s mentioned wanting to meet up for dinner again.

Why is he telling me about these other women but still actively wanting to meet up? I think it’s either a defense mechanism because he’s not sure where I stand or he isn’t into me and he wants me to know that our encounter was just a fun night.  What should I do?

K. in Beverly Hills, CA

Dear K,

This is a sticky one, eh? Well, since guys can compartmentalize the physical aspect of a relationship more easily than women, it’s possible that he looked at your hook up as just that. His talking about dating and sex with other women since then definitely indicates he’s trying to keep a certain distance.  That doesn’t mean if you got together this Saturday night, he wouldn’t try anything physical with you again. My suggestion would be for you to go out for dinner as you normally would as friends but if he tries anything to address it and ask him about it right then and there.

If he continues to talk about other girls and doesn’t try anything then it was probably just a one-time, just-for-fun thing. Because you have a long standing friendship, you’re not just another girl and he obviously cares about you.

Of course, if you really want to date Paul you can straight up ask him if he’d be interested. This would take courage. balls of steel, actually. But hey! If you can shelve your ego, this may be your quickest way to an authentic answer + closure.

In either case girl—forge on.

Your man is out there.

And he already adores you just the way you are.



How often do you get mixed messages from guys?  What advice would you give to our friend?


I’m a Los Angeles based relationship + life coach. I offer a sharp combination of keen insight, know-how + intuition.   Want more life + dating advice?  Jump on my newsletter.   Interested in laser focused one-on-one treatment?   Hire me.  You won’t regret it.

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© 2011 Danielle Dowling

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