Dear D, My Boyfriend and I of 7 years just broke up and I am trying to understand what went wrong

Hey Danielle,

I’m currently going through a breakup with my boyfriend of seven years.  It’s pretty rough but I’ve started to feel a little better after reading our horoscopes and gaining new understanding of the type of person I am and the type of person he is. I’m learning that our personalities don’t really mesh well together and therefore we don’t work out as a couple.

My question is, am I truly supposed to follow my horoscope and only date guys that I am compatible with via what my horoscope says? Should I limit and define myself and my world to horoscopes?  It seems kind of foolish to do such a thing, but I feel as if I am looking for answers and not getting any besides what my horoscope says.  I am in a vulnerable position and I feel as if I don’t know what to believe.  Why were we together for such a long time if we were not really even compatible and meant for each other? I feel so jaded by love!

-M. NYC

 

Dear M,

I’m actually kinda a huge fan of Elizabeth Gilbert and her book Eat, Pray, Love. Its a bible-like-of-sorts for me. And so I will begin with this, relevant, poignant quote:

“You take whatever works from wherever you can find it, and you keep moving toward the light.”

― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

The world is your church.  Brilliance + insight, when your heart is open to it, can be found in the most minuscule mundane of moments + sources – as well as in the grand, whoo-hoo, cataclysmic events.

If reading the horoscope profiles cast a ray of hopeful, education-worthy fairy dust into your consciousness then HELL YEAH.  That’s a breakthrough.  A shiny, novel tool for your dating tool box.

Why, exactly, is it a breakthrough? Well, because what you read resonated as the truth to
you.  Or mostly true. What you read put into words what have been amorphous feelings + emotions swimming around in your head, heart + gut.

The horoscope gave you words for your gut instincts.  Your hunches.

I would not limit yourself to dating a gentleman based on horoscopes, but if it feels right for you
continue to pay attention to what sign he is, read about it.  Put the info in your back pocket
as one of the measures to evaluate him by + then do your due diligence and go out for a coffee or drink date.  Engage with the actual person + then fully determine if you want a date #2.

Yes, you are in a vulnerable position. And that is ok.  You’re supposed to be.  You were dating him for 7 years.  It’s going to take longer than 30 days to pull your shit back together.

It just is.

And I know that is uncomfortable.

Acceptance is medicine.

BUT, I also know that you will survive.
You will survive this, just like you have survived many other disappointments in your life.
You will be more resilient.
And one day, you will reach back to another women who is going through what you are now and speak some words of wisdom.

And she will be so grateful that you understand her.

In a twisted way you are being handed a gift.
It may be difficult to see that now.  But you are being given the opportunity to meet someone that IS a more suitable life-long partner.
Someone that is fully engaged in the relationship + celebrates you and your relationship.

Finally, you ask–Why were we together for such a long time if we were not really even compatible and meant for each other?

It’s hard for me to offer suggestions since I don’t know him or any of the details of your relationship.
I will tell you why most people stay in a relationship that is long over:
because of fear + scarcity.

We are afraid of being alone.  We are afraid no one will ever love us again.
We are afraid we are not good enough or worthy enough.  So we want to make the
most out of the one person in front of us.

And we can do this to our detriment.

This may or may not be part of what happened between you and your ex.

xx,
dd

++++++

I’m a Los Angeles based relationship counselor + life coach. I offer a sharp combination of keen insight, know-how + intuition.   Want more life + dating advice?  Jump on my newsletter.   Interested in laser focused one-on-one treatment?   Hire me.  You won’t regret it.

Do you have a pesky question burning a hole in your pocket? Email me at
d@danielle-dowling.com to submit a letter for my Smart Advice column.
Identities strictly confidential-of course.

© 2011 Danielle Dowling

Comments

  1. I see you share interesting stuff here, you can earn some extra money, your
    website has huge potential, for the monetizing method, just search in google
    – K2 advices how to monetize a website

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *