Today’s blog post is my response to a reader’s question regarding how to break up with someone you live with and what to do about moving on after a breakup. It all comes back to setting up respectful, clear boundaries after a relationship has ended. Read on for the full scoop.
Dear D,
I moved to a new city last fall with my boyfriend of 2.5 years and everything seemed to change. We slowly started to grow apart and I decided I wanted different things out of life. So just a couple of weeks ago (after about 5 months of us both being quite unhappy) I made the decision to end things.
While the initial conversation went really well, the next couple days were kind of crazy. He started snooping through my email and generally acting strange. I went on vacation for a week and came back to our apartment to to find out he’d gone on five dates while I was gone. While I wasn’t angry I was quite taken aback by it. He said he was just trying to be honest with me.
We’re still living together and he’s supposed to move out by the first but he still hasn’t signed a lease or started packing. He’s still all kissy kissy with me and I don’t know what to do about it. A part of me just wants to keep the peace for now and roll with it; I know we will always be good friends and we’ll see each other fairly often. This is a phase we need to get through, right? But I just want to move on! What should I do?
xoxo,
Stressed in Hollywood
Hello,
Thank you for writing in.
Although the initial break-up went well, it seems he is struggling with change, and has taken a turn for the lazier! Perhaps he is looking to distract himself from reality. A reality that is full of loss. He just lost his girlfriend, his apartment, and the life he created for himself with you in Los Angeles.
Instead of actively dealing with this change he is distracting himself by dating, ignoring a looming apartment search, and disrespecting your physical and emotional boundaries.
Boundaries for Moving on After a Breakup
He needs to move out.
It’s only natural that he will want to begin dating other women, but NOT while you are living together. Even IF he did sneak a date, you do not need to know about it. His “honesty” has gotten confused with kindness. It is not kind. It is cruel. It completely disregards and disrespects your past relationship and hopefully your amicable future one.
He needs to properly exit this relationship with you before he gets to have a new one with someone else.
What to do After a Breakup
I understand your natural instinct is to “keep the peace.” However, you can’t forget your own needs during this process.
Questions to Determine Heart-Centered Boundaries:
:: Have you considered that you are doing yourself a disservice?
:: Who are you being that you are a woman who is available to wishy washy boundaries?
:: While trying to give him the understanding and patience he needs, perhaps you’re ignoring what you need?
:: Speaking of—what do YOU need from him and the situation in order to end on a high note?
Carve out some quiet time to affirm what you really want, what is healthy for not just him, but BOTH of you during this breakup…and then schedule a new sit-down together.
Set respectful, clear boundaries and ask for what you want. Declare what you need. (Click here for suggestions on HOW to do that with more ease.)
We are women who are devoted to radiant living where we lead from our intuitive heart, know who we are, and live our lives congruent with that truth.
You know your truth.
The relationship is over. I’m not suggesting you are ruthless and throw his belongings out the window…but I am encouraging you to anchor into your heart’s truth, and lovingly-but-firmly hold those boundaries and guide yourself and him to respect them.
With Love,
Danielle
Dr. Dowling has spent years helping people live richer, more joyful lives. She has seen firsthand the magical pairing of psychology and life coaching, which allows people to access their happiest selves.
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Dear d . Me and my partner have recently split up due to a visa issue long story short he doesn’t want to get a visa with me so i can stay in australia after he said he would for the past year so ice decided not to waste anymore time in a relationship i will have to leave one day any way due to my current visa running out. So at the minute were both still livibg together and hes told me hes in no rush to move out and he’ll do it when hes good and ready. Hes also doing strange things like sitting and watching tv with me although not speaking to me besides today hes been really nasty saying horrible things where as four days ago we were happy and cuddeling i feel like im in limbo at the moment im trying to find a new house but its taking time and hes not even looking hes told me he dosent care about living with me hell just ignor me and also that he dosent want to be with me but sits here and watches tv when he could be in another room what is going on please help!
Dear D,
I’m a college student and what happened was that my partner needed a place to stay while going to school because he didn’t do very well with his grades and so cannot be staying at the dorms. Since I thought I could help, I asked my roommate if he can stay with me at our apt but now after living together things just went downhill from there. We’re in a middle of the semester and I peacefully ended things with him but now I don’t know how to break it to him that I want him out because I don’t feel comfortable being around him. Also I definitely do not want to be alone with him. I went through past relationships and well, I get scared if I’m alone with an ex or alone in a room with someone. My ex isn’t on the lease, it’s just me and my roommate and my roommate understands as to why I want him out so there’s no problems there. I just freak out to much or worry too much as well.
How should I confront this?
Dear d.
Im in a relationship with a guy and have been for the last 8yrs we do have two children together,
Ive have asked the children dad on numerous occasions to move out, as i do not love him nor am i on love eith him any more.
He has known this for a long time.
Everytime i have this argunent with him, he pretends to forget the next day, or he mirrors what he think i need to see,
I do feel sorry for him has he does not have friends or family to go to, and he is still the father of my kids, and i just wont chuck him out, i love my kids to much to hurt them,.
I gave up smoking about 4months ago due to bad health ( which has now improved massively), but due to night coughs and struggling to breethe i found out he waiting for me to sleep downstairs and he smoking in the bedroom we both used to share.
Im also starting to exercise & eat healthy, and asked him if he going to buy junk food to eat nefore he got in this house, everywhere i go in kitchen the chocolate, cakes, sweets,
And he wonders why i do not want him to live with me any more, i keep asking him to go, and either he scare mongers me, or he will ask my 4yr old daughter or 3yr old son, shud daddy move out because mummy want to hurt me, and they always say no, and then he will make them ask me to keep him.
I havent got a clue what to do any more, ive always been honest with him, when i didnt love him any more i told him, and i worked on it for him, then i told him im not in love and he constantly thinks im cheating on him, and i dont have the time to, and i do have a little bit of respect of myself not to lower myself to cheating, he thinks i want another man in my house, which i dont as i got kids, please help, because yet again ill get that tired of trying to get him out ill give in and pretend to be happy for everyone else !!
Also forgot to mebtion he does have mental health.
My relationship is almost exactly the same ? I’ve been with him for 7 years with one child and he mirrors almost everything I say.
i found out that my husband has been cheating on me (online) for more than a month, just last week when i got no internet at home. i am in the Philippines and he’s in uk. i know we’re so apart but is it not enough reason to cheat? he was flirting and doing stuff with girls online. he deleted all the things i could see and he didn’t intend to tell me about it but i still found it out. when i asked him to confess, he said he’s not cheating. then he admitted some things but not everything so it wouldn’t make it more worse. he’s the kind of guy who will never admit a thing till he’s cornered with proofs. i was 7 months pregnant and i’m worried about my baby. i cant help but to think all the time about what my lover is doing to me. i never thought he’d do that coz i know he loves me so much. but why would he flirt and cheat on me and do stuff with girls on cam? one morning he called me and told me that the relationship is over and that he don’t need me anymore i felt so hurt and betrayed so i had information about this spell caster dr_mack@ yahoo. com, about his glorious spell to people and how he use to bring lovers back, but at first i felt unconcerned because i hardly go for such things and i thought his work has a side effect, but when i gave him a chance to cast a spell for me because i was very in need on how to get my lover back, to my surprise his spell worked for me very fine and fast, my man started loving me again and came back to me
I am a Whitney from Sweden
I’ve been living with a guy for the past 5 year and we just moved to another state, thinking we can make life more exciting and fix our slowly separating relationship. Unfortunately, things got worse and he lashed out at me one night and then I told him we were done. We had a sit down and he apologized but I told him I didnt love him anymore and he needed to move out.
He said he had nowhere to go. I told him I didnt want him there anymore because of the emotional stress he gives me and he doesnt seem to be budging. Last night he called me wondering where I was and pretty much came looking for me where I work.
It’s getting out of control and I dont know what else to do. I want to keep my apartment and it’s all in my name so what do I do in this scenario?
My boyfriend of three years and I just broke up last night. He said his portion of the rent is paid until July (a whole month) and he needs that time to settle things and get a new apartment. How am I supposed to live with him, loving him, losing him, and sad knowing he is going to go on July 1? It is torture. i told him today he needs to get out asap and he just said, we will enjoy our alone time when your son goes to visit his mom.” wait. what? I am so confused now. I know because of our age difference that it won’t last forever, and we have discussed this and have always known it, but this should not be about his comfort after he ended it with me.