Boy, did I have a lot to learn about money! The spending of it, making of it and saving of it. We often hear that money is an energetic response to our energetic output. Meaning, if we are easy about it, feeling worthy of it, honoring of it, then it will flow with abundance and continuity. Quite frankly, this makes me laugh and slap my forehead, because I could not have been more clueless about the relationship between money, energy and receiving.
Where shall I begin with the money woes and pitfalls?
:: At one point I had $20,000 of credit card debt
:: I regularly spent money I didn’t have in the guise of “self-love”
:: Unpaid and deferred college loans
:: Earning far less than what I was “worth” in jobs I felt I should be happy to have
:: The money I spent on my business alone was a doozy! I hired photographers, videographers, social media and public relation experts, assistants, writers, ‘sales funnel’ teams and Facebook ads. I spent thousands upon thousands upon thousands of dollars trying to do what I thought I needed to do to earn abundance, respect and financial wealth.
Oh, and then came the tax audit.
Are you laughing out loud yet?
This was a very big wake up call. I had been working with a tax accountant for more than 15 years. His work with other clients was being called into question by the IRS, yet they decided to do a review of all his clients over a multiple year span. I fell under this umbrella. I was not paying attention, and he was cutting corners that landed him in trouble. As a result, I had to write a $25,000 check to the IRS to right things. I felt betrayed, ignorant and embarrassed. How was I not aware of what was happening?
Here’s the “thing” as they say, while he bore major responsibility, the culmination of everything I have shared with you reflected on me and the health of my mind and emotional state. Therefore, not pretty, balanced, conscious and aware. The tax audit forced me to sit down and pay attention to who I was being in relationship to money. I needed to comb through every earning and expenditure, but more than that I had to look at my decision making processes with money and the emotions that were ruling those decisions. Decisions are always emotional, even when we think they’re not.
I heard a quote once that stuck with me, which is: What you love loves you back.
I cannot say I was loving my money. I did not pay attention to it in a respectful, meaningful way. I did not visit with it and appreciate it through regular check-ins with my bank account. In fact, I tried not to look at my account while also hoping there was enough in there to pay for what I wanted. If money was a boyfriend or friend it would have left me in the dust long ago! Who wants to be in a disrespectful, neglectful, unappreciative relationship? No one is the answer! So, quite honestly, it DID leave me. To the tune of writing a $25,000 check. This was also money I believed I “worked really hard” for. I was resentful. I put in many “long, hard hours” to earn that money, and it was just snatched away! I cried and cried and cried. I laid in bed. I watched too much TV. I drank too much wine. I belittled myself and doubted myself and criticized myself. How stupid can you be? I asked again and again.
And then I humbly “got it,” so to speak. To heal, begin anew and start a love affair with money, I needed to take full responsibility for who I was in relationship with money. This required I take full responsibility for who I was in relationship with myself and life. In truth, I felt I was “in it” alone. I couldn’t trust life or anyone else to take care of me, let alone money! I needed to use it up while it was here because who knows how long it would be around for. I couldn’t really count on when it might be back. That fly-by-night, money! I needed to work hard and long and endlessly to make what I wanted happen. I couldn’t count on anyone else to have my back, push the boulder up the hill, go-go-go. This outlook caused much tension, anxiety, overwhelm, mistrust and carelessness on my part. I was out of sync with my worth and life’s inherent love and support for me–and as an extension of that the friend and companion I have in money.
The personal-worth discussion is an abundant one deserving of its own 11 pages of elegant and meaningful words. Learning to be in a trusting relationship with life is a practice worth perfecting. Regarding money with honor, respect, love and appreciation while expecting it to flow in and out with the ease of the ocean’s tides is inextricably linked to the prior. How did I ever think and believe that all these concepts were not related? I don’t blame myself–too much. I was figuring it out as I was figuring it out, and in some ways I still am.
Yet, today I am proud to say that money is my friend. And she is good and she is reliable and she is very loved and adored by me. I tend to her like a meaningful garden of one delightful fruit after the other. Sometimes she grows a little wild here, sometimes there is a weed to pull out, sometimes I do miss a watering day, but for the most part we are symbiotic. Money flows in and money flows out. Equally abundant in both directions. I always know and feel there will be more, because I tend to it, watch it and trust that she has my back as I have hers.
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