How to Start Forgiving Before You Feel Ready
Have you ever found yourself saying, “I’m just not ready to forgive them yet.”
I get it. Truly, I do. When you’ve been wronged, betrayed, or hurt, forgiveness can feel galaxies away. Sometimes it takes months, sometimes years, before the idea even feels possible.
But here’s the hard truth: staying unforgiving harms you far more than it harms the other person. Anger, resentment, and betrayal don’t just sit quietly in a corner. They seep into everything—your health, your energy, your relationships, your sense of possibility.
Here’s the reframe: forgiveness isn’t about readiness. It’s not a feeling that magically arrives one morning. Forgiveness is a choice. A deliberate act. One you can make at any time—not because the hurt has vanished, but because you’re ready to stop letting the hurt run the show.
Think of it this way: forgiveness restores possibility. It restores wholeness. It restores you.
And no, forgiving doesn’t mean condoning hurtful actions or welcoming toxic people back into your inner circle. More often than not, it’s wiser not to. Forgiveness simply means you’re willing to cancel the debt you feel someone owes you, to release the pain, and to walk forward without dragging their offense behind you like a ball and chain.
That’s the mic drop: forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. It’s how you reclaim your power and step back into the driver’s seat of your own life.
So how do you actually do it—especially when you don’t feel ready? I follow three simple steps that help kickstart the process, and I’ve shared them below.
1. Release Anger to Heal and Move Forward in Forgiveness
It can be tempting to hold onto our anger. Sometimes we feel we deserve to feel angry. Sometimes we feel our anger is a justifiable way to “punish” the offending party. And sometimes we hang on to our anger simply because we believe it’s our last connection to the person who hurt us, and letting go of that would open up what can feel like a deep empty void.
I’m not arguing that these feelings are invalid. Anger is a powerful, and often healthy, emotion. But anger is only healthy when it’s fully felt . . . and then let go.
Letting go of your anger won’t create emptiness; intentionally or unintentionally holding onto it creates even more emptiness and blocks the possibility of new relationships and new opportunities coming into your life. On the contrary, letting go of your anger will restore your vitality. It will restore your trust. It will restore your personal power.
2. Radical Acceptance: How to Find Peace After Betrayal
Replace that anger with acceptance. And there is much to accept when you decide to forgive.
You are accepting the loss: of your relationship to that person, of your anger, of the sense of justice you rightly deserve. You are accepting the amount of time you may have invested into a person or project, you are accepting that they may never truly understand how much they’ve hurt you, and you are accepting a situation that just isn’t fair. And, perhaps most importantly, you are accepting full responsibility for how you, and you alone, have caused the pain you are in.
It is often the hardest to accept that no one can truly hurt us; just as with forgiveness, our reactions (anger, sadness, revenge) are always ours to choose. And that can be the hardest—but most necessary—truth to accept.
The value of this acceptance though is monumental: when we learn to accept what is—including our own role in a painful situation—we grow wiser and stronger as a result.
3. Forgive Yourself First: Rebuilding Trust and Self-Worth
An important, but often overlooked, part of the forgiveness equation is remembering to forgive yourself too.
In most situations where we’re wronged, it’s easy to focus on how we might have prevented it: by paying attention to the red flags or by being courageous enough to speak the truth about what we needed.
After accepting the role we’ve played (and the feelings we’ve harbored) in every situation in our life, it’s also important to make amends with ourselves too. Look at what you wished you would have done differently, and allow it to be a lesson.
Forgive yourself for the stumbles and the silences, for the moments you wish you could rewrite. None of that erases your worth. Instead, let it remind you that you are human and still becoming. Trust that you can move forward with more wisdom, that your voice will grow steadier, and that your heart is strong enough to love again. You deserve all of that—and more.
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The truth is, being human means bumping into each other’s edges. We will hurt and be hurt, again and again. Some days we’ll be the one offering forgiveness, other days we’ll be the one praying to receive it. (That’s just the deal of being alive together.)
But when you practice forgiving, sooner and more fully, you free up energy that was trapped in resentment. You create space for richer relationships, deeper healing, and growth you couldn’t access otherwise.
And really… who among us doesn’t want a life that feels lighter, fuller, and more spacious than before?
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15 Ways to Practice Self-Care After Forgiveness
If deciding to forgive opened up space in your heart, let’s fill that space with something nourishing. My 15 Ways to Practice Self-Care guide is here to help you reclaim quiet moments, restore your center, and choose joy—one small pause at a time.
Download your free self-care guide here and take one tiny, intentional step toward feeling more alive and less overwhelmed today.
Dr. Dowling has spent years helping people live richer, more joyful lives. She has seen firsthand the magical pairing of psychology and life coaching, which allows people to access their happiest selves.
View Dr. Dowling's articles on Mindbodygreen
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