I spent an enormous amount of my twenties and thirties swimming in the dating pools of NYC and L.A., asking myself some version of the question “Maybe I’d be happier with someone else?”
At the time, I didn’t even realize that’s what I was asking myself.
Instead, I wondered if maybe I shouldn’t be dating someone who read the same books as me. Or maybe my future husband should be earning more money than the guy I was currently seeing. Maybe I needed a guy who cared about things like … essential oils. (This is much more common in Los Angeles than you’d think!)
If you’ve found yourself looking at the perfectly-nice-but-not-perfect person you’re dating and asking yourself this question, please keep reading.
Why You’re Asking Yourself If You’d Be Happier with Someone Else (And What You Need to Do About It)-
First, let’s start with a “fact.” The answer to this question starts with you. I know you likely came here wanting information about the other person, but the fact is, the answer to this question begins and ends with you. Does that mean that the other person isn’t a factor in this? Not at all. But in order to answer this question in a meaningful, long lasting, sustainable way, you need to start with you.
Start by asking yourself this question: What is it, the deep down, kernel of truth within yourself, that is making you ask this question? Be honest with yourself. There are many possibilities here:
- You could be thinking this because the person just isn’t acting or thinking the way you would like him or her to act–and that frankly annoys and even angers you.
- Or, perhaps the person has done something in the past that you just can’t get past. You just can’t stop thinking about that one “mistake” on their part.
- Or, the person has changed in a not-so-good way in your opinion. This could be in the looks department, or it could be in the behavior department.*
- Or, if you’re being honest with yourself, you’re just tired of looking at the person and reacting with him or her. You’ve frankly gotten bored.
*Change is part of life; your clarity about how you want to relate to change matters.
What’s Yours to Own—Before You Decide
Saying certain truths out loud can feel brutal—like handing someone a breakup memo titled, “I’m done, and here’s why.” No wonder most of us reach for diplomacy. Be kind in your delivery, absolutely. But be unmistakably clear—with yourself first. No sugarcoating. No self-gaslighting.
Why? Because when you make a change, one thing doesn’t move out: you. If you walk away without meeting your own patterns head-on, they’ll hitch a ride to the next relationship. Naming what’s yours—cleanly, compassionately—is a game changer in and of itself, and the foundation of a good-goodbye.
Safety first: If someone’s behavior has turned violent, threatening, or degrading, physically or verbally, this is not a coaching moment. Leave and get to safety. Reach out to trusted people, local emergency services, or a domestic-violence hotline for support.
Is This a “Me” Problem or a “Them” Problem? (Relationship Accountability 101)
Let’s break it down with a simple example.
You’ve considered leaving because your partner has gained weight. He’s not the slim, trim guy you first met, and you’re frustrated he hasn’t done anything about it. You want him to care—hit the gym, pick up running—just do something.
Okay, you’ve named it. Now ask: Is this a “me” problem or a “them” problem?”
As tempting as it is to label it a “them” problem, the hard truth is—it’s a “you” problem. You’re dissatisfied with something about your partner, and whether you realize it or not, you’re trying to control the situation. You’re hoping he’ll change to meet your expectations.
You’ve tied your happiness to something he’s doing—or not doing. That’s your stuff. If you leave expecting to find someone “better” (and more in shape), chances are you’ll find yourself in a very similar situation with someone new.
This isn’t just about weight. Swap in opinions, habits, lifestyle choices, tidiness, money, sex drive, or ambition. The lesson travels: you can’t control anyone else.
Honest Reasons People Think They’d Be Happier Elsewhere (And How to Read Them)
Ready to own your side? Start by admitting why you think you might be better off with someone else. Your true answer will be telling:
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“I want to be with someone who makes more money because I’m worried about my own earning power and money confidence.”
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“I want someone with a more ‘impressive’ job because I want a partner who matches how I see myself.”
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“I invest in my appearance and want a partner who values that similarly.”
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“My religion/spirituality is central to me; I want to share that at the core of our life.”
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“Doing all the ‘life admin’ is exhausting; I’d be happier with a more organized, grown-up partner.”
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“I can’t rebuild trust after what happened. Starting fresh feels truer.”
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“We respect each other, but we don’t have fun. Life feels like tasks and lists.”
Now ask the next clarifying question: Is this about my values and boundaries—or my need to control? Values and boundaries are yours to honor. Control is an attempt to manage them.
You Can’t Control Someone Else’s Choices (But You Can Elevate Yours)
For your own mental health, internalize this: you can’t change another person’s behavior or thinking—at least not for long. And you don’t actually want to. If your partner chooses different habits, that choice must come from within them.
So, are you willing to accept that you can’t change your partner? If not, are you willing to accept that this same issue will likely recur with the next person?
When you accept that you can only change your behavior, you can finally answer, “Will I be happier with someone else?” honestly. For more on caring for your side of the street, your energy, your habits, your joy, see Harvard Health’s insights on the power of self-care.
Decide Your Next Right Step: Stay and Work, or a Good-Goodbye
Two honest outcomes can both be right:
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Stay and work: You realize there’s enough love, respect, and shared vision to do the inner work (on you) and the relational work (together). You stop trying to control and start collaborating—on communication, shared responsibilities, and fun.
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A good-goodbye: You see that values, needs, or timelines don’t align. You leave with clarity and compassion not because they’re “wrong,” but because you’re choosing what’s true for you.
Either way, this is the shift: let people be who they are, while you become who you’re here to be. That’s the path to peace—whether you stay, or you go.
Danielle xx
She is the creator of The Motherhood Setup, a framework for understanding how the Motherhood Fantasy, Good Girl Conditioning, and Invisible Labor collide to leave so many Mothers overwhelmed. Her work asks what changes when we begin to make the invisible visible, Count the Work, and recognize Motherhood as both a joy and a job.
Explore Dr. Dowling's work on modern Motherhood
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