When I turned 30 (more than a few years ago now) I temporarily lost myself.
My identity pixelated. Shattered like a billion broken shards of glass.
I thought I was supposed to be married. Or at the very least not alone. I was attractive. Educated. Spiraling along with a solid career.
Wasn’t I the very definition of A Catch? I mean…my friends thought so.
I woke up one morning convinced that I should have the marriage + kids + 2-car garage tied up by now. Or least, in motion. Fast-motion.
One week after my 30th birthday, I said “yes” to a first date with a man we’ll call “Mark.”
He was attractive. Fun. Flirty. And totally wrong for me. But Mark was there — and he was well, available.
Funny how when you’re starving you’ll gorge yourself on junk food, without a second thought.
Mark and I dated for a little over a year. I wanted a love story. What I got was … toxicity.
I told myself of series of lies and half-truths about him and our un-fulfilling relationship. I often looked the other way — not wanting to witness behavior that upset me.
Happy? I wasn’t happy. But I told myself I was.
Because I was 30 + single + he was (didn’t I mention?) available. Wasn’t that sort of good enough? The disappointment escalated. I ignored, ignored, ignored …
Cut to: debilitating insecurity, clamped fingers, head-splitting isolation, bitter resentment and — eventually — the complete dismantling of self that comes from incessant self-doubt. Those voices … those questions …
What could I have done sooner / later / more of / less of / better / instead?
Who will I be without this relationship?
Do I even have the strength to start over? Again?
I knew that I wasn’t a victim. I’d chosen my relationship with Mr. Available, because he was there, and I was scared. The truth stung, but it felt better than the lies I had grown comfortable telling myself.
New questions arose:
What do I believe that I deserve in my relationships?
Where can I bend and sacrifice? Where can I … not?
What are MY authentic choices?
I chose happiness over half-suffering. It was a simple choice, in the end.
Deep breath.
OK then. Here we go.
Let the rebuild begin.
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What do YOU believe you deserve from your relationships? Where can you bend and sacrifice? Where can you … not?
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I’m a Los Angeles based relationship + life coach. I offer a sharp combination of keen insight, know-how + intuition. Want more life + dating advice? Jump on my newsletter. Interested in laser focused one-on-one treatment? Hire me. You won’t regret it.
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d@danielle-dowling.com to submit a letter for my Smart Advice column. Identities strictly confidential-of course.
© 2011 Danielle Dowling
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