Mr. Available: The Lies We Tell Ourselves When We’re Afraid to Be Alone

A thoughtful woman looking out a window, reflecting on the emotional cost of settling in relationships

Editor’s Note: This post is from 2011, written at a time when I was learning how to stop settling in love. I’ve left it here as part of the journey.

Mr. Available: The Lies We Tell Ourselves When We’re Afraid to Be Alone

When I turned 30 (more than a few years ago now), I temporarily lost myself. My identity pixelated, shattered like a billion broken shards of glass.

I thought I was supposed to be married. Or at the very least not alone. I was attractive. Educated. Spiraling along with a solid career. Wasn’t I the very definition of a catch? I mean…my friends thought so. I woke up one morning convinced that I should have the marriage + kids + 2-car garage tied up by now—or at least in motion. Fast motion.

One week after my 30th birthday, I said “yes” to a first date with a man we’ll call “Mark.” He was attractive, fun, flirty, and totally wrong for me. But Mark was there — and he was, well, available. Funny how when you’re starving you’ll gorge yourself on junk food, without a second thought.

Mark and I dated for a little over a year. I wanted a love story. What I got was … toxicity. I told myself a series of lies and half-truths about him and our un-fulfilling relationship. I often looked the other way, not wanting to witness behavior that upset me. Happy? I wasn’t happy. But I told myself I was. Because I was 30 + single + he was (didn’t I mention?) available. Wasn’t that sort of good enough?

The disappointment escalated. I ignored, ignored, ignored until it finally caught up with me. Cut to: debilitating insecurity, clamped fingers, head-splitting isolation, bitter resentment and — eventually — the complete dismantling of self that comes from incessant self-doubt. Those voices … those questions: What could I have done sooner, later, more of, less of, better, instead? Who will I be without this relationship? Do I even have the strength to start over? Again?

I knew that I wasn’t a victim. I had chosen my relationship with Mr. Available because he was there, and I was scared. The truth stung, but it felt better than the lies I had grown comfortable telling myself.

New questions arose:

  • What do I believe that I deserve in my relationships?

  • Where can I bend and sacrifice? Where can I … not?

  • What are my authentic choices?

I chose happiness over half-suffering. It was a simple choice, in the end.

Deep breath.

OK then. Here we go.

Let the rebuild begin.

****

Reflection (Added 2025)

Looking back, I see how settling for “available” delayed the real work of choosing myself first. That choice became the foundation of how I found lasting love later.

If you’re in a season of questioning what you deserve, start here: Want to Find Lasting Love? or explore The Soulmate Code — resources I wish I had back then.

And if you’d like to read more about this pattern of settling, here are two powerful perspectives:

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