I used to equate success with performance—shinier, louder, more. Today, I choose presence over performance. I still advocate for myself (not perform), and I do it from grounded worth, clear boundaries, and a steady nervous system. Results are metrics, not mirrors.
So what does that look like when the stakes are real? Let’s step into the room.
You’ve poured blood, sweat, and tears into your life’s work.
Now picture this: you’re one room away from a dream conversation—agent, editor, investor, you name it.
What rises in your body? Tight chest? Buzzing mind? A glow? A gulp? All of the above?
For years, I handled these moments with a polished performance. Smile brighter. Talk faster. Prove harder. It “worked”… until it didn’t. Because performance is a hungry beast—you feed it once and it wants your whole life.
Here’s what I practice now instead.
The Cost of Performing for Approval
Performance promises safety—“If I impress you, I’ll be okay.” But the bill comes due:
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People-pleasing disguised as “preparation”
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Overexplaining, oversharing, overworking
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Anxiety spikes before and after the big moment
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A foggy sense of who I am without the show
Pull-quote: Results are metrics, not mirrors. I advocate from worth—no performance required.
Presence Is a Practice, Not a Pose
Presence isn’t passive. It’s active self-contact:
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Name-it-to-tame-it: “I feel anxious + hopeful.” Naming reduces charge.
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Breathe it: 4–7–8 breath (four rounds). Shoulders drop; voice steadies.
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Body check: Uncross legs, feel both feet. Let your spine hold you.
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One sentence of truth: “Here’s what I’m proud of and why it matters.”
Presence lets people feel you—not just your pitch.
Advocacy Without Self-Abandonment
I still speak for my work. I just do it with ownership instead of performance.
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Lead with impact: One outcome, one proof, one next step.
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Boundaries are kind: “Here’s what I do. Here’s what I don’t.”
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Let the no’s go: Misalignment isn’t failure; it’s filtration.
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Language that lands: “Here’s the result I deliver,” > “I promise I can do anything.”
For a quick, evidence-based refresher on what assertive self-advocacy looks like (and why it lowers stress), see Mayo Clinic’s guide to being assertive.
Tiny Resets That Help You Advocate (Not Perform)
Tiny resets that regulate your system and restore capacity—especially during high-stakes seasons:
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Overwhelmed: 4 rounds of 4–7–8 breath.
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Scattered: 3-minute “one task” (set timer, finish one small thing).
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Irritable: 2-minute shake-it-out (yes, literally).
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Tender: 60-second voice note to a friend: “Thinking of you.”
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Proud: Write three lines: What worked, what I learned, what I’ll repeat.
Need a quick primer? Read my Slivers of Self-Care guide—tiny 3–9-minute resets that regulate your system before and after hard conversations.
The Quiet Brag: Advocate for Your Work Without Performing
I don’t perform anymore. I state the truth:
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What I did
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Why it matters
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What happens next
Some people lean in. Some don’t. Either way, I stay with me.
Final note: Don’t devalue your currency. Take up your exact amount of space. When you stand in presence, the right people can finally find you.
Dr. Dowling has spent years helping people live richer, more joyful lives. She has seen firsthand the magical pairing of psychology and life coaching, which allows people to access their happiest selves.
View Dr. Dowling's articles on Mindbodygreen
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