You thought you looked great in that dress.
You’re pretty sure he found the stories about your dog hilarious.
You’re certain that he didn’t notice you got a little tipsy on all those cocktails.
But then he doesn’t call.
Cue: calling your girlfriends to dissect every. single. thing he said and every. single. thing you did.
Why didn’t he ask you out again?
I asked the guys in my life what makes them fore go a second date with an otherwise awesome lady. Here’s what they said.
1. Too easy to get into bed
Guys love it when you’re crazy hot for them – who wouldn’t?! But nobody wants to feel like they’re being used for sex or that anybody-with-the-right-parts-will-do. Some guys separate women into camps of ‘One Night Stands’ and ‘Girlfriend Material.’ And though it’s not necessarily fair, those ladies who are quick to bed sometimes end up in the former.
2. You’re not sexually compatible And/Or He’s not into your body
So maybe there’s a bit of canoodling on that first date – at least enough to figure out where each of you fall on the continuum of sexuality. Maybe you kiss or move in a way that doesn’t quite work for him. Maybe you can’t relax or he can’t leave the lights on. Maybe you want it a little rough and he wants things soft and tender. Neither of you are ‘doing it wrong’ – but you’re probably not right for each other.
Some guys like little skinny women. Some men like their curvy mama’s. They just like what they like. I highly recommend you be with a man who likes your body the way it already is. Not if you loose a few or gain a few. Women need to be desired. A part of us dies if we don’t feel sexually appealing. Your body type may not do it for him and he’s doing you a favor by not asking you again. Find the man who wants to wrap himself up in your deliciousness –they way you already are.
3. He thinks you’re not into him
If you’re not particularly interested in a guy, there’s a pretty good chance he can tell. And if you are interested in him – stop playing so effing hard to get! Shockingly enough, men have feelings too and he’s not going to ask you out again if he imagines he’s going to be rejected.
4. He doesn’t like the way you talk
Your friends think it’s hilarious when you pepper your speech with “OMG!” and “Sad face!” but this dude might not be into it. It’s also possible he’s not into baby voices, excessive swearing or the twenty minute rant about Ron Paul. If you think you’re alienating men with your conversational skills, ask a close guy friend for his super, super honest opinion.
5. Your senses of humor and interests are incompatible
He loves It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia; you think it’s crass and mean-spirited. You love hiking through the great outdoors; he’s afraid of trees and fresh air. Again, neither of you are ‘wrong,’ but you’re probably not right for each other.
6. You were critical of him maybe even a little bitchy
There’s a difference between playfully, flirtily teasing a guy and being mean. If you’re not sure where that line is, err on the side of sweet. If he teases you about your taste in light beers, you can hassle him about eating all the french fries. A first date is not the time to make snide comments about his hair cut, the neighborhood he lives in, his job or where he went to school.
7. You were bossy (which is almost as terrible as being bitchy)
Aren’t you cold? That’s not a very healthy thing to order. Will you hold my purse? Haven’t you had enough to drink? You should go tell the maitre de that we want a booth.
For the love of God. Don’t.
8. You have totally different ideas about manners and social discourse
You over-tip, hand write thank you notes, remember everyone’s name and know which fork to use for each course. He thinks all of that is uptight rubbish. Again, both of your views are perfectly valid, but you’re probably better suited for someone else.
9. You made him share the bed with your three dogs
The world is full of cat people. And dog people. And hamster people. If you love your dog and he doesn’t – find someone who does.
10. You’re a powerhouse, “agenda packed to the gills,” executive who only has Wednesday evenings + Saturday mornings open for dating. Truth is some men want a more traditional, stay at home woman. The other half of them find your career prowess incredibly sexy. Look for that man. He will clear every Wednesday happy hour and Saturday morning brunch just for you.
I know it’s just a little bit heart breaking anytime someone doesn’t ask you out again.
You want the man who loves dogs, 47 minute political rants and the way you fill out your True Religion jeans.
I would, however, consider leaving “Bossy + Bitchy” at home.
That’s never a good look.
Do you have a pesky question burning a hole in your pocket? Email me at
firstname.lastname@example.org to submit a letter for my Smart Advice column.
Identities strictly confidential-of course.
© 2012 Danielle Dowling